The head slap moment.

I am somewhat dense, I acknowledge it... I understand it. Still I cannot help but be surprised when I arrive at another of those moments when I have that epiphany and come to a discovery of sorts about something.

In this case I come to the realization of just how little someone who has ventured in and out my orbit thinks of me.

I know this person, I'm not sure what the dynamic is between us and most of that has to do with my own stupidity because of an attraction I feel but then I am left feeling used and ecploited.

Some of that is me but by the same token it's not as if there hasn't been encouragement in that direction... when someone has a tragedy in their life or in their day and they call you crying it makes you think you might have a connection but again there isn't that connection it's just a one way street of you being the dunce and the other person knowing you can be a sure source of encouragement and solace without any reciprocity.

There's nothing to be angry about really, at least not as far as the other person in the equation goes as much as it is a matter of me being angry at myself for allowing it to happen, allowing myself to be led along by my own desires.

This is not something that is a relatively new event, orbits have intersected and planets have passed close to each other often over almost a quarter century but the head slap moment comes along with that sense that it's time to wake up and put an end to this kind of stupidity if only to stop the waste and distraction it is.

It happened the other day... there was a moment during a phone call when it felt for all the world as if I was being intrusive, an obstacle in the path of the comet and it irked me so very much I made a decision shortly thereafter it was time for a change.

I'm at a point in life where I recognize I am very adept at being self sufficient so there's no need to clutter up life with people who won't be additive and supportive.

Plus I am surprised myself that I can't brook directing my energy at someone who takes it for granted and that's whether as a friend or something more.

I know I'm shut out of the proceeds and in one regard I don't think I ever had a chance but I'm of a mind it wasn't as much about me as it was about the other persons own stupidity and blindness.